Memories of you & the bitter pill.

I met Linda Osburn on Dec 11, 1987 at a club called Circuits in Hoffman Est, IL. It was an unassuming evening as most Friday’s were so the night started off as any other. I just ended a relationship after spending 2 months on an industrial staging project for Ace hardware. I went with a friend, James Bowmen and his friend John. John, it turns out, wanted to go to this place to meet some girls he met before there. It was relatively boring place, OK music, next to a bowling ally. A place locals hang out. My full intent was for some feminine company before the evening ended. I guess that night I was feeling like a dog because (atypically) I wanted to get past the last relationship. As the evening drew on I made a few acquaintances of girls whom were frequently at the club. I ended up befriending on girl who had on a red wrap glittered top and the most ridiculous pair of cheetah print capri pants. But she was a brunette, pretty, flirted allot, and since we were getting along so well, I wanted to see where it would go. I really don’t recall her name but I’ll call her Sheila. At one point while me and her were dancing, I happened to notice a rather attractive blonde enter the bar with a couple of girl friends in tow. I was taken by how statuesque she was and that her confident poise got my attention (think Jessica Biel). The 3 girls made a b-line to the other side of the bar and parked themselves across the dance floor from where I was sitting. But blondes were never a goal. I never really cared much for blondes. Brunettes or Redheads, Blue or green eyes: That’s my taste. Yes, kind of picky I know, but I had rules. After a few more dances me and Sheila returned to James and John to nurse our drinks. Sheila, well, she was getting too ‘drunk’ and I guess I sort of lost track of her. After what happened next, I didn’t really much care.

I was standing there next to James when I happened to notice this blonde was looking in my direction. I thought nothing of it and continued nursing my long Island Ice tea. We continued to exchange glances as I continued to talk to James. Then a new dance set came up when I happened to look over at her again. I was stunned to see her staring intensely at me. Now this was a peculiar moment for me and rather funny. I actually turned around to see if someone was standing behind me she was looking at rather then me... I looked back at her and pointed, questioningly, to myself. She smiled widely and nodded (rather excitedly) in the affirmative I pointed to the dance floor and she nodded excitedly again. I proceeded to meet her on the dance floor. As she came down and started to dance with me we went through the typical introductions. Her name was Linda, and even in the dusk of the club I could tell she had the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen. She stated she never saw anyone dance like I had before and just had to dance with me. I think we must have danced for over an hour as we were both soaked. When the set changed, we shook hands and went to our friends and I returned to my drink at which point James began to rattle my cage hard. He kept telling me to go back and talk to her and see what happens. But for some stupid reason I went looking for Sheila. (But really needed to use the bathroom). When I returned to James, he was all about what was going on at Linda’s side of the dance floor. He said she kept looking over at our spot and at one point stopped smiling. So I figured I should go over there. Just as I walked over and tapped her on the shoulder, another guy had already began to talk to her and asked her to dance. She looked over his should and saw me and her eyes got wide. I put on a silly grin and waved like Curly from the Stooges. She told me she got upset when I walked away and didn’t return to talk to her. She thought there was something wrong with her or how she danced. (She couldn’t have been more mistaken). We even returned to dance floor for a slow dance just before the lights came up in the bar. For last call.

James and a very drunk John told me they were leaving. I did not want the evening to end so Linda suggested me and her go to another bar that was open later; Thumpers. When we got there, I really was not interested in drinking much anymore, but we agreed on food. There was some stale pizza the waitress was pushing. What the hell, it was food. I had this feeling, I could not place my finger on at the time, but I knew I had enough to drink and I did not want to mess this up. She was different. So me and Linda continued to talk about various things: Mostly about work, family, animals. I liked horses; she thought they belonged in a glue factory. I liked cats, so did she. The defining moment of that entire evening was right after I pulled out my wallet to reveal a picture of my pet cat; fluffy (yes, fluffy). It was enough for her that at that moment she grabbed my face and kissed me. There are many things that race through the mind of a 27 year old guy when something like that happens, But for me it was nirvana of a sort, or like what you read in fairy tails. Niceties were exchanged and comments made, none of which I remember. I recall the waitress stating that they were closing and that it was 3:00am. Huh?? Me and Linda looked at each other and laughed not realizing where the time went. Then the question came. Linda asked me if I wanted to come home with her. In those very words. I was, for the most part, taken aback. Stunned and maybe muttered something inaudible. Then in a comical form of backpedaling Linda, blushing, tried to elaborate on the question which made it sound even more funny and suggestive. She laughed, I laughed. And then I said, politely, “I couldn’t” I did not want to go there yet if at all. She was special and I wanted something special. The look in her eyes when I said those 2 words was like the bus she threw herself under drove off her back. I told her all I wanted was this; and I held her hand gently. She hugged me so hard in relief.

As the bar emptied, we left and went to our cars. She was warming hers she asked me to get in. I did and for the next 3 hours we kissed like a couple of thunderstruck teenagers. No grouping or mauling. Just passionate kissing, hugging and silly small talk. Staring into each others eyes like we would never stop or could never stop. If there was heaven on earth, I found it. She felt the same. We just didn’t want to let go. But after the second police car swung around we had to call it (literally) a day. There was a little bit of apprehension to leave, but we had to. Me and Linda exchanged phone numbers and we drove off. The sun was just starting to come up when I looked over at her in her car as she was just about to turn. She gave me a look; she was beaming, with such a wonderful smile I will never forget. I think I still have her phone number scribbled on some silly Thumpers coaster I had in my pocket.

It was Saturday morning. Nothing for me to do but go home and fall asleep.

That late afternoon after I woke up. I looked at the number scribbled on the coaster. I could not believe what happen, and was really having a hard time deciding whether to call her back or not. I mean, even after all that, I was feeling somewhat insecure. This was a first for me. I never had picked up a girl in a bar before. Mostly it was the girls I met on the film set, or the cast parties or college for that matter. Most of them were kind of sleazy and therefore I would talk myself out of it. But this one was different. Very different. Around 7:00pm I strapped on some nuevos and picked up the phone. I had a fleeting thought the number belonged to a Arbys or Mobile gas station somewhere in Iowa but dialed anyway. When Linda’s southern lilted voice answered. I think I sighed in relief. I asked if she got any sleep and she said she didn’t. She couldn’t stop thinking about me and wondered if I would ever call her back. She hoped I would. I explained how could I not after turning down a girl who asks me to go home with her (a slight jab for her screwed up request to go home with her and just talk and drink). I said I was glad I didn’t take her up on that and that we should see each other again soon. We didn’t get around to the date part untill three hours later. Next Thursday we could meet at Circuits for a drink. Those next 5 days she called me, and I called her. We couldn’t get enough of talking to each other. She would say things like, I miss your voice, and I would say I miss your eyes; but the voice will have to do. It sounds sappy, but who cares.

That Thursday we got together again. A weird feeling you never forget. Signs and portents. When I parked my car, Linda got out of hers and started walking to the bar. I was several yards behind her and shouted’ “ Hey you, wait up” Linda turned around and threw me a look, a look I never was able to shake. She was visibly angry. At me. When went inside, we chatted but I could tell there was something on her mind and I could not get her to talk about. Since the bar was empty, we barely talked so we went elsewhere. I believe we went to her apartment. At this time she told me she was just recently divorced and was uncertain how I would handle it. I think my shrug and the next 2 hours of passionate necking kind of changed her mind on that thought. Once thing was for certain is that I wanted to continue to see her again; many times. Time did not fly by. Calls, cards, dates; we tried to spend as much time as possible with each other. When I wasn’t on a film or commercial set, I was with her.

It wasn’t until 2 months later that we got around to the intimate part of our relationship. It was Valentines day, a Friday. Up to this point we already had exchanged our feelings for each other. We were ready for the next step in the relationship. For those whom are not aware of what it is like to wait for someone, to have feeling for someone and finally get around to the love-making portion of a relationship. Rushing into sex is just sex. Any idiot can just have sex. Monkeys have sex and that is all it is. But let me tell those who have no idea what it is like to be in love, make love and have 2 people in an embrace that makes you feel like one heart, one soul. The world goes away and there is just you 2. Even the sensation of touch disappears and all there is the thoughts of another racing though you. I can honestly say that there were times where I didn’t know where I ended and she began. All there was in my mind were those perfectly blue-grey eyes.

So at this point we were in love, and soon I was moving into her apartment in Elgin. Not a hard thing to do as I had little and whatever I did have went into storage. There was a tactile feeling in the apartment that was good and beautiful. Me and Linda, well, we got along so well living together it surprised me. I don’t believe in opposites attracting. That is BS, if you have nothing in common, why be together? We agreed on everything. We enjoyed so much together; what to do, where to go, we even read the same books. The commonality of our relationship surprised the both of us. From traveling to small towns to look at antiques, flee markets, or just being silly on ski slopes. We called them serendipity days. Hell, she even let me dress her. I guess she liked my taste in womens clothes (must be the art director in me) What the heck, I know what looks good and what sucks. It seemed that this could go on forever, and it could have. Soon I gave up the movie biz after an emotional letter Linda wrote me that struck a cord it was time to get serious about my future and the movie biz was basic silliness unless I lived in California. But while I was making decisions for something more permanent there were things going on behind me I did not see coming and should have paid attention to. If love is blind I was most certainly, joyfully blind. One issue that would come back into focus later was Linda’s ex-boyfriend (Obri) who was in the Navy and who was constantly writing her letters of love and proposals to her. At the time I knew of the letters and his persistent calls, but had faith in her and never gave it a second thought. This was a lesson I would later learn the hard way. Another hard lesson was my “friend” James Bowman. Pap James for short. John (his friend) once warned me to be careful around James. It appears James liked to play games with people. Call them mind, or political games, whatever fits: James was duplicitous. One time I was out with James and bumped into an ex girlfriend, We talked for awhile before she had to jet home to her husband. But in leaving she passed me her phone number. She was still in touch with friends we had gone to school with and most of whom could have provided me with contacts within the film industry so I could find work (this was before I decided to give it up). Without me knowing it, James told Linda I met up with a old girlfriend and took her phone number along with several other tidbits from personal conversations we had. He was feeding her allsorts of information behind my back and I was totally ignorant to it. John later told me it was because he thought Linda was too good for me and she would have been better with him. But James was black and that was a line Linda was not about to cross. But apparently she was very close with James and stayed in touch long after I was out of the picture.

Time passed and for Easter we went to Linda’s home town; Galesburg, IL. I met her mother; Velma, and her 2 younger sisters, Lisa and Lori. At one point Lisa, who was a funeral home director needed help in taking a coffin to Ohio. Since I was not working any films at the time I volunteered. It was Ok. But the smell was not so much. Lisa was atypical for her age. A primadonna of a sort with rich aspirations. She took the high road when ever she could if it ment getting a good buck out of it. She did nothing that she enjoyed, but merely to work and get paid the highest amount of money possible. She dated only guys with expensive cars and property on the Chicago lakefront. TO say Lisa was shallow and superficial was an understatement. She was so involved in her appearance, her clothes, designers, and anything else dealing with haute culture she should have moved to California or NYC. Lisa was also a troublemaker of a sort. She loved drama. At one point she dated a guy who was in seminary school (and a virgin) as a challenge to herself to see if she could break him into sex. She was also nasty and spiteful when she did not get her way and complained volumes about guys. Yet she created all the crap that got flung back in her face relentlessly. Lori was more down to earth and likeable She was in a stable relationship with a guy she knew since grammar school. She liked simple things like truck shows, and mud racing. Lori was a girl you could talk to and not feel you were being judged much like with Lisa. Lisa often said that she and one of her gay friends would go to bars just to look people over and make fun of them. Linda’s mother; Velma, was a sweetheart. She was a typical farm-girl with a unassuming disposition of a time gone past. I really don’t think endearing could sum it up. Velma had something in common with my mother, the same birth day, which I found ironic. Linda’s father passed away years prior. His name was Merlin which I also found ironic as I had such a fascination with the King Arthur fables.

As time went by our anniversary was fast approaching. The plan was to get an engagement ring for that celebration. Besides, it should have come as no surprise to her as she often asked me to marry her. So I figured I’d seal the deal and was on the hunt for something that I could afford. Linda often worn nice rings and loved jewels especially Marquis Diamonds. I found a ring that she always wore on her ring finger and secretly took it into a jeweler to get it sized for the impending surprise. Once approved, the ring was in the bag and I was ready to put my plan into action. A friend of mine went snow-mobiling every December near Eagle River, Wis. Linda was coming along with as she had taken to snow mobiling the January before. After a long day of trail riding we settled down in our cabin room. Linda was beat from a full days ride and this would work to my advantage. As we lay there, she fell fast asleep. Linda was no lite sleeper either. So this would work out quit well. As she lay there sleeping, I took her hand and slipped the ring on her finger and waited to make sure she was not stirred. After a short while I tried to wake her which proved sorta difficult. As soon as she was awake, I asked her if she would marry me. Linda grumbled and muttered huh? Then I repeated the question, Will you marry me Linda Lou? She muttered again that I had lost my mind and then realized there was a ring on her finger and let out a gasp, then a scream, and then the crying started where she repeated, Yes, yes, yes. yes, I will marry you. If you can conceive on how happy I was, it was like a dream come true to find someone this special.

After all the reveals were performed and families and friends notified we decided to start thinking about getting out of the apartment and find a bigger place. Linda had bought me a kitten for a Christmas gift and the smallish 1 bedroom apartment above Paragon supply was not going to do. We went to her friends who lived locally to find out the process of what we needed to do to secure a loan. The Goal; We had to come up with at least ten grand for a decent down payment. We even found a developer who was willing to cut costs by letting us finish certain things in the house. Everything was coming together and we were deciding on and date for the wedding to start planning that as well. First off was getting the down payment. I told Linda I can come up with 5 thousand, but I will have to work allot of overtime to do it. There may be little or no time for ourselves, but there will be plenty later after we reach our goal. She agreed. Simple, right?? So for the next month I worked outrageous hours to garner enough OT to get the funds together for the jump at a house. Little did I know there were events-otherwise going on behind my back I didn’t see coming. As I said before, you never see the wreck until after the accident. But this was no accident.

There were days I had worked 15 hours and a couple weeks 70 hours was not out of the question. It takes a toll on you mentally and physically. There were situations I was very agreeable about before, but became annoyed with rapidly. I was soon at a breaking point in regard to Linda’s ex (from the Navy) constantly calling her with little regard to me or the fact we were engaged. But the fact that Linda was not discouraging it, rather encouraging it got the better of me when he called and I told the guy that she was not home (when in fact she was),never to call there again as she is engaged to me, and hung up. Linda came into the room and asked who that was and I told her it was him again and that I am having a problem with him always calling a writing love letters to her. She was engaged and needed to tell him that. Linda was enraged that I would do such a thing to her “friend” and that he will always be her “family”. I countered that friends/family don’t write love letters and propose every chance they get. I also explained that if I ever see this guy I will have a problem with him and he better not set foot in this house. Linda went ballistic telling me it was HER apartment and I had no right to tell her what to do. I was on a short rope as I was pulling over 75 hours a week to make our house happen and was in no mood to have an ex come back into the picture. But again, there was more going on here that I did not know and found out much later, either on my own or by drama loving Lisa.

Later that month Linda had just lost her Aunt. We had gone to the funeral in Iowa . It was a bad day for and me. There was unsettling that in a moment of need that Linda broke down during the funeral and choose Lori’s boyfriend’s shoulder to cry on while I stood by and watched. Later when I asked why she ran to him she said he was family, I was not. Ugly was not the word I would have chosen for that comment. Mean and hurtful would best describe it. After the burial we went to relatives where Linda ignored me the entire evening. Ironic. Me and her never argued about anything. We agreed on everything, But that comment and her actions stuck a knife in my chest and I was unable to reason out why she said it. We didn’t talk during the drive home, she would have nothing of it. She was in a horrible mood exasperated by me asking about the events at the funeral. Time pasted and we eventfully made up. But things that were supposed to be moving along were grinding to a crawl. The arrangements for the wedding, hall, and even the house were getting stalled by Linda’s non-committal attitude. In late March I was in a auto accident My driver side door was mangled. I found a replacement door for my car and needed to go to the warehouse to change it as they had air tools there. Linda decided to take a week off and go home to Galesburg to spend time with her family. I could not go as work prevented me from taking any vacation time. That Saturday I was in the workshop when I got a page from Linda’s mother’s home number. I called her back Linda did not sound right, moreover distracted and depressed. As we talked she asked me a curious question. “What are you going to do about the apartment?” The question caught me off guard to which I replied that ‘WE’ are going to get rid of the apartment once we get the house. Linda then corrected me and said, “No, what are YOU going to do with it as I am returning to Galesburg to go back to school and be with my family.” In other words, no discussion; we were done, finished, breaking up. Linda was adamant about this move and there was very little convincing I could do to change her mind. Truth was Obri finally convinced her to return to him This was the same man (I was told by her sister Lisa) would not allow her to look out the car window or he would smack her. She could not have friends or even go out. The man was so possessive and jealous he even burned clothes she owned that he felt were to ‘sexy’. If another guy was caught looking at her, Obri would start a fight with him. He was for all intents a true asshole. But he was also her virginity killer and Lisa said that Linda never fell out of love with him regardless of how brutal he was to her or how good I was to her now.

The following 2 weeks were not good, we slept in separate rooms till I could make arrangements for a place to stay. I went out every night in order not to be around her, and when I was a lot of arguing took place. Examples of my dire deeds were thrown up in my face. According to her we were not the same, or shared the same interests. We were too different, I was too negative, I never helped her with anything, I did not like any music she liked, My friends hated her, She even went as far as to say I never loved her or even liked sex with her. It was a tirade of self-convincing and denial so thick that we were all but strangers to each other. It was an ugly time for us. I suspected she was seeing Obri and told her one night that I wanted my ring back. She refused. I explained that we agreed that if she ever left me for another man she forfeited the ring; She chocked on her explanations (the favorite woman retort is: I don’t know what you are talking about) but eventually relented and threw it at me. It was at that moment she said she wanted me out or the apartment. I had no problem with this as I did not want to be around the memories in that place, so I moved back in with the parents until I could find a suitable apartment. After Linda kicked me out I had no choice but to leave things there until I could get a truck to move them out. When it came time for her to move her things out she lied to me even about the day she was leaving so I would not discover that Obri came up to stay with her and was moving her back to Galesburg. Probably because she felt I may follow through with my threat to beat his redneck ass into the dirt and wanted to avoid a confrontation. When it came time to pick up my stuff I discovered that she was gone and all my stuff was garbage piled in a corner. No note, no nothing to say she was sorry.

Now anyone who has been though this knows that you either climb above the madness or get buried in it. For the next 2 months I climbed above it. I was able to forget and move on. I even started dating someone (HELLO rebounded). But it was not about finding another person to share my life; I was just looking for a good time. I think most guys can identify with this. I did have people around me and a steady job to start over again and forget the past. And for a moment, it was working. Trouble with the past is it has a habit of returning to say hello. I do not know why she did it other She knew I had started over and perhaps did not like it one bit. Probably it was Lisa who was feeding her information; I would not be surprised based on her predisposition for drama.

Linda paged me out of the blue one June afternoon. I recognized the area code and should have never called her back, but I felt that perhaps there was still hope and did so anyway. And so started my decent into hell. No, it was not like she was harassing me or causing me trouble. Mentally she abused the hell out of me. I let Linda plant a hook in my lip and leave it there. In retrospect it was pure meanness; Teasing, tugging, and releasing ever so often. Even ignoring on occasion. The constant calls and sweet-talk were convincing enough (to me) that she would soon return and we could be back as we were. But it became obvious it was never meant to be. I worshipped my pager and looked forward to listening to my VM messages, hoping to hear her voice and the words “I Love you” Often I did when she left messages. Linda even came back up North a couple times and we got together. God I was such a fool for thinking this way. However it was not the same anymore, no matter how you convince yourself, you can never go back. Even the sex was poor. I could tell her mind was elsewhere. There was nothing I could do that was right; she even made comments about the boy she was dating during our coital encounters. How she liked to grab his chest hair ( I guess he was rather hairy).

After she left to return to Galesburg, my mind and body continued to desire her. It still was like heroin. I needed my Linda fix near daily. My every thought was consumed with or about her and I could not shake it. Friends were useless; they were never around and had issues of their own with their wives to pay attention to me. If we did get together they complained about their lives, wives or the sexy neighbor next door they wanted to bang. Even therapy could not break the hold her thought had on me. Soon depression sank in and I descended so deep I could not sleep, eat, or even think. I moved in auto-drive. I gave up my hope, dreams, faith and even the belief in magic. I failed to notice beauty and had no interest in music (a very deep love) or my photography. I had a bitter taste I could not shake, smell I could not avoid, and thoughts that nearly drove me insane. At one point I even drove to Galesburg late one Friday night to find her only to stumble upon her (currant hairy) beau (really late that night) sitting in his yellow Z24 talking to his buddy one street over from her mother’s house. The irony is not lost on me.

Then my health deteriorated to such a level I was losing weight but the day. I was drinking more and more. First it was only Fridays. Then it became Thursday and Friday. Then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. It got to the point I was drinking 5 days a week.

It was a level of destructive behavior I had never thought I would reduce myself to. I even hung out with people who were the worst of the worst. I just forgot to care anymore. September was closing in fast and my family decided to get together for my birthday early and while it was still warm so we can go to the pool for a swim. It could be said my brother John intervened in this. Or at the very least he woke me up. We were sitting at the poolside when he sat next to me and asked “Are you feeling alright?” I nodded that I was and asked why he thought such a thing. It turns out I had lost so much weight (I went from 180# to 130#) and never noticed. Nor did anyone else for that matter. But he told me that he could see every bone in my back and hips. That I looked like a skeleton from behind. His wife even noticed. I needed to do something about it, rapidly.

As the months pasted I was under a doctor’s care to recoup my health. I was put on a high protein diet of carbs, eggs, and something called Ensure. Nasty tasting something they give to seniors to keep weight on. I stopped drinking and in an effort to keep busy I found a second job. During this time I found myself hanging around with (of all people) Lisa. I am not exactly certain of her intentions but we would get together several times to talk shit and she would fill me in on what Linda was up to. Now as you know Lisa was a drama queen. It was in her nature to be manipulative and superficial. It was hard to take her seriously sometimes, but her explanations made sense at some point and a lot of what she said about her sister often rang true and clarity began to form.

For instance, I often wondered why I never heard from some of my college friends, nor did I get phone messages from people (especially girls) I knew from high school. One of my best friends whom I considered my sister; Corinne, told me many months later that she had left several messages with Linda for me to call her back. Messages I never got. Even Christmas cards or correspondence from work friends was never received. She threw them out. Linda was editing my mail. Then there was the extended period Linda claimed to have had including several visits to the doctor (including one back downstate). Turns out Linda Lou had an abortion, possibly of my child. Lisa tripped up one time during our little talks and had muttered something to the effect that Linda was depressed that she had to go through with her abortion. Then she tried to back-step and said it was a close friend who was going thru a tough time after her abortion. Guess I will never know for certain. Then there was Obri, Linda’s ex, or the Virgin killer. Now get this on Mr. Navy. According to her mother Obri was her first love. But it was with MAJOR faults, mighty big faults to be sure. Apparently Obri was a mean ass and a jealous prick. According to Lisa, he liked to control Linda. For instance, when they would drive around town she was not permitted to look out the window. If she did he would slap her. When they walked through the store she could only look forward or at the ground. WHY she would want to return to something like this I will never know. She even told me he was a perv and would masturbate on his balcony late at night. Guess it is true that men love what they see and women love what they hear, so those 4 years of letter writing and phone conversations His BS line was convincing enough to really work to his favor. Lisa also explained that Linda lied about her divorce. She was 6 weeks out of her marriage to Lannie Overton, not 6 months as she told me. This with the added influence of Obri in the Navy did not help matters. I showed up and complicated the situation that Linda felt completed. Linda never wanted me around for the long haul; she was waiting for Obri to get out so she could be with him. Hence the reason she saved all his letters and took all his calls. In addition Linda had a fixation on guys with hair; everywhere. Lisa once told me that because of this I was simply not Linda’s type; I was not hairy. Even Papa James ventured to say that Linda was very controlling and insecure. She was and in need to be in control of men that abused her. Ironic that she either returns to the guy who beat her and kicks him out for a guy who (while married) screwed a waitress at the bar he worked at. She gave birth to his kid and he got divorced and met up with Linda. Even Lori had issues. She was secretly a crack addict and was pregnant. Lori’s boyfriend was a dealer and they both were users. Later Lori would have her child 3 months premature.

What ever the situation, or truth that was, it no longer mattered and one Saturday I had returned from work at my second job and the phone rang. My mother answered and told me it was Linda. She was her normal chirpy, southern self. I was now simply annoyed. She started in on how wonderful her week was and I cut her short with “ Look, I really don’t want to hear about your happy fucking life with Robert is, what do you want?” She choked for a second and then said she called to see if she could get my recipe for a dish I used to make. I went thermal. I had enough of the toying and games. Finally I was able to summon up enough strength to be done with this situation. I told her ‘NO Linda, that is for family only and you are not family’ She countered, “but we are good friends aren’t we?” I replied, “No Linda, we were engaged once, lovers and in love with each other or so I thought.” “You just don’t step backwards and think you can forget all that we had been to each other or done together and just go back to being friends.” “You ended it, not me. I wanted to stay together for life, you had other plans” She retorted ‘That’s not fair” I stood my ground. “No, what you did was not fair, it was not right, you did all this . You did this to me. There was no reason for what you did.” “ You broke my heart Linda. You broke it and crushed it into so many pieces and you now think Oh, we can still be friends? Crap on that. Well honey it does not work like that, I am not your friend!” She started sobbing; “ You are making me cry”

“You should cry Linda. You hurt a human being. Someone with feelings and a heart. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, but you found it easy to destroy that in me. And even lie to others about me. So why don’t you go cry on the shoulder of the guy you went to the fireworks with, you know the one with the hairy chest? or that navy dude you are living with now that masturbates on the patio. You lied to me Linda and you lied to the guy you are with now. I was your fiancée, not just some guy you had sex with, a fuck-buddy, like you told him. You are the worst of the worst and I don’t want your kind in my life. I hate people like you who screw with good people, honest people, and make them feel like shit. As if I was the bad guy in this drama. I was stupied and let you continue to pull me around with a hook in my lip out of HOPE things could change. But they didn't, did they?"

At this point I can hear her crying softly. She tried to add something to the conversation but I did not hear it. I let go one last time. “ I loved you with all my heart and soul and I hoped to have lived my life out with you. But that dream is gone, YOU destroyed it. Like you always said, you can never go back. But you did, you went back to him, then you went to someone else., but not me. No, it could never had been me. The guy you lied to that you loved. So what was the point in having me around?? I don’t know what you are anymore and don’t want to know anymore and therefore I am not your friend. I am done being beat up by you. You are no longer welcome calling here. I don’t want to hear from you, see you again, or even know you have a heartbeat. I want you to go away and leave me alone. What you did was wrong. Do you understand? Wrong! I did nothing to hurt you. I treated you with respect, love , and kindness. What did you do you do? Try to control me , hurt me, and lead me on until Obri was out of the Navy. You put me in a world of pain and I let you. I can never forgive you for what you did to me. Goodbye Linda.” And I hung up the phone. It was bittersweet that tidbit of final words. On one hand I felt victorious that I was the one who finally let go. Perhaps that was what she always wanted from the beginning. On the other hand my heart sank; I will never hear her voice again or see her across a crowded room. It was over. Only time will tell what would happen next to me or when I can start over. That was 1989, I just turned 29 at the time. Adter that, I lost track of everyone involved. I did not want to remember her thru their presence. I had to move forward.

In retrospect:

I let the past be the past, but never did find that one soul, or one heart. I never felt strength like that again. My relationships since have been lackluster, combative, distructive. Often I found the selfishness of women and their needs as opposed to anyone else to be disheartening. Sure I tried to love, but it was never that same. It appeared that if you were too good to be true, you ended up being a dupe or abused. Looking back those situations there was always something missing. Not just about love or like I said before about this being hand in glove. It was not about that, it was about the materialistic need to dominate: And no one dominates me. In my relationship with Linda it was a love undescribable; as if someone could love so hard it gets into every fiber of their being, even into the marrow of their bones. It is something they will never experience, nor feel like again. That night I lost my faith, hope, and what love I ever had. It has not changed since; 20 years later I am a glass half full feeling empty. I do not expect you to understand, you have to figure it out for yourself should you encounter such an event in your life. This is a story of mine, which plays ceaselessly in my mind. That through time to know that at that one moment in time I was truly happy, and truly, deeply, painfully in love.

Why write this?

Why write this you ask? Could it be a cathartic release? Perhaps a need for closure? A final push to get something bad out of your system like so much bad blood gathering over time; year after year. However, this event was not all bad. Point in fact, it was probably the best time of my life. The one and only time I never felt pressure to be something I was not, to act out of character or out of belief. I could be the man I wanted to be and love how I wanted to love; and be loved. No person would judge me. I found my place in life and it was a dream come true . We were like two insecure people who found each other, somehow, someway. But in the end it was never ment to be. Is that a conceit? Yes, after all is said and done it is giving into clichés and urban theories of the common relationship. Men are from Mars crap and so on. If you buy into cliches you are blind to the truths. But this is not about one or the other. This is about telling a story of two people who fell in love, one lied to live happily ever after and the other lost his faith, hope, and the meaning of his life.

Preparing.......

I have been told that time would help heal old wounds. As we grow we are certain to move forward and clear out the bad and replace it with good. Sadly, this is not the case in this story. Time does not purge these wounds. Proof here is that neither does the memory fade. Happier events 20 years ago can be recalled as clearly as they would have taken place 24 hours ago. Even unhappy events share a place amongst the clatter of your present memories. Smell and even touch remind us of that which is good. Or what is bad. A scent of cinnamon and apple, or pine could remind you of joyful Christmas’s long ago. Or you, by putting your hand over a lit candle will teach that such actions equate to pain. Lesson learned; move forward. Life is full of happy memories and bad. Push the bad to the side after you learned from it and try not to repeat it. Some can do it as their lives are usually pretty happy and moving forward is no problem. Negative influences do not exist or are few and far in-between. Success comes easy for them and there are always others around them to change their perspective to the positive... Not all though live in such terms. Problem is when the happy are so entwined with the bad that separating them becomes harder. When you can honestly claim that you had probably one of the best years of your life with someone and you can not separate the good from the evil; what do you do? In a Cathartic attempt you find ways to clear you mind. Provided you have something else to latch onto that was of greater reenforcement to move forward and not backward. Was it my fault??? For a long time I blamed myself saying it was my actions she left, or conceding to ‘it was simply not meant to be’. And after a time you discover there was more going on to wreck it then you could possibly imagine. All those beautiful memories turn to poison when the moment ends. This could not have been so true in this circumstance.

Stay tuned

:)